|oh the things i should be doing...
||[Sep. 9th, 2004|11:04 pm]
|||||lori leighs random mix that was alreading playing||]|
lets just recount what i SHOULD be doing...reading and writing a history reaction paper due every friday, but thats ok..i always do them at midnight on thursday night...or i could be writing a journal entry for spanish--yeah behind in that too.. or i could be emailing the ba-jillion people i need to email. but that is ok. im feeling ok about that. anyway, it has been quite a while, and i dont really know why--i have been reading everyone elses but even that has been few and far between. it could be beause my computer doesnt have internet STILL. so yet again i am in lori leighs room on her computer like i am every day. she probably is just used to seeing me her every single time she walks in. but on to things of substance.
last i wrote, i was really annoyed and in a hard place when it came to younglife...but i am not stressed about it any more because..duh duh duuuun..im no longer a leader. man it was a hard decision--i seriously labored over it in prayer, and labored is a good word because it really drained me, but it was such a good time with God! he showed me that i have to do what he is telling me to, no matter what. and that is hard, and it has been hard because i am a people-pleaser who is trying to turn into a God-pleaser. i was already anticipating what other people would say about me, or whatever the case may be, but it was just me and my pride and once i really listened to what God was trying to tell me all along, it was cool and i have such a peace about it. i mean, he is going to glorify himself through the ministry anyway with or without me there, but it is more a question of where to i glorify him the most?? so as of now i am involved mostly with prince avenue baptist, but also a little with campus outreach. and i am also working on a prayer gathering at uga--based off the student nexus at 268generation.com...i am SO excited about that! it is going to be on monday, november 1 at 7 am-the national day of prayer. yay! my goal is to bring all the ministries and get them all involved. what an exciting time for all the christians to really pray over the campus! i am so psyched if you couldnt tell.
other than that, it has been hard. hard to adjust to real life (aka athens as opposed to slovakia) and not hard in the sense that i knew it was hard, but hard in the sense that there was a gradual desensitization to Gods spirit and prayer and things that i was so accustomed to doing because it literally was every moment of my life this summer. i was baby-ed with awesome spiritual conversation all the time and people daily asking me how i was doing. which none of it i regret or resent, it is just something i knew would happen when i got back but even with knowing, it is something i fell into. and even knowing that and asking God to bring it on and test me (which, by the way, dont ask God to test you if you dont want to be tested! haha no really..), when it did happen and i was in a desert if you will, i would turn away--not away from my relationship with God but almost an unconscious (but still conscious...dont you love how we like to explain it away?) complacency. but wait...it doesnt end there--do you know why? because it NEVER ends there! that is the good news. i love in matt redmonds song- blessed be your name-because it talks about blessed be the name of the Lord when all is good and when you are in a desert place..but the line that really sticks out for me is this:
"God you give and take away,
you give and take away,
but my heart will choose to say,
Lord blessed be your name."
my heart will CHOOSE to say. man, what a statement. we are not always going to "feel" God. i think it is an important part and definitely i feel God a lot and thats important, but when im having a bad day or i have a crappy attitude or whatever, my desire is to be faithful. to be joyous. and that is something i struggle with, im not gonna lie. but it something that brings me joy even in searching for it. and over all of this God shows me his providence and that he is totally capable and in control. i like to hold on tightly to things. but even in this choice that i have, there is His grace that says--this is enough for you and it is only in my grace that you can be faithful anyway. hm...that is a big thing to wrap your mind around. im sorry if you read this thinking that i would be talking about those poncho sweaters again. its just that im realizing more and more, and God is telling me more and more (probably more of the second one and the first one is because of the second) what is important in life. i love having fun, i love having friends, i love having roommates--i love taco night and waffle thursdays and mooning mandy (one of my roommates), and i love "doing" stuff for God and small group and middle and high school kids and making signs for kids i dont even know who run crosscountry, and listening to great sermons--but over all that is christ. he is the core. lord help me live a life with no regret. a life that is in itself a testimony to you. because in the end--and there is an end--there is jesus, and he is the way, the truth, the light--and he takes everything on me that is jagged and crappy and rough and dirty and makes it all beautiful--because he is life.
yay for sermons aka livejournals...next time i will try to be more shallow. haha jk...but really that makes me so excited. next time i will tackle the issue of wonder...on my friend jonas's livejournal he wrote about it and it really made me think..i think we have lost our wonder. but that is for another time, another place, and when i have another paper due in 9 hours! yayuh. yall i love you and will talk to you soon. dont hate because i write novels in my lj...
'cause i got nothin of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me
shines on you
and makes everything beautiful
peace, love, and go dawgs (jk..but i did go to my first uga game sat!! more lata!)
still a war eagle